Fifty Percent

I was told today I have a fifty chance to live even with radiation treatment and having most of my tongue removed. It is kind of sobering because I have never given much thought, till now, about living or dying.

Today's surgery consisted of three tests done on my throat. One for the larynx, one for the esophagus, and the last one was on my lungs. The good news is that they all appear to be clean of cancer. The back news is that my tongue makes up of all the good news.

The cat scans showed that I have a double hernia and some spots on my liver that might be cancerous but probably not.

I really look forward to a life without speech and the possibility of never eating real food again. Thanks for your prayers and fasting. I am sure they made a difference.

Review of the Barium Berry Smoothie

Last night and this morning I got the rare privilege of imbibing a Barium Berry Smoothie. Sounds good doesn't it. Well, just like a lot of other things in the hospital they don't tell you everything.

Yes, it was smooth. Yes, it did kind of taste like berry. However the after taste had to be washed out with a tootbrush and toothpast. On a scale of 1 to 10 I would give the Barium Berry Smoothie about a 2, with 10 being the best and 1 the worst.

It's white color and creamy texture did leave you wanting more. I'm just not sure what! The drink took about 30 minutes to get it down, each time.

Now I can officially say I have had my whole body examined.

If I feel up to it, I will write more on this saga after the March 31 surgery.
What a ride!

I Miss Mom today

I have missed her everyday...but today I missed her phone call, her list of things to accomplish, placed on the counter top, her light laughter and her easy personality. I missed her taking care of daddy and wanting to know what was going on in all of our lives. Today I missed my mommy!!

I love you all

My talk about Mom

I didn't write down much of my talk, so I don't know how much I can remember but here goes.

If you look at the scripture on the front of the program, you have a perfect description of my mother. My sisters said I had to say more than that so here goes. Charity was not an abstract thought for Mom, it was here way of living. Numerous people have shared how she would offer them love , shelter, food and friendship. Mom often found the best in people. Including me--as a child and an adult I have often struggled with self-worth but my mom always found the best in me and encouraged me and helped me be a better person. My mother gave us another gift, she loved life and recently we had a conversation about her dying she said when we were sad we just think of a fun time or memory and smile or laugh--how can we not remember and do that--like when we think of her leaving the car running in Mountain View all through church, or the zest she had when intertubing with the grandkids, one of my favorites is when Colleen and I visited Mom and Dad in Hawaii--and I can see Colleen and Mom out in the waves laughing and having fun.
Another wonderful gift I have been given is to have parents that truly loved and respected each other for 59 years. They enjoyed each other and liked to spend time in each others company-what a priceless gift.
I am thankful that I know my Mother is reunited with her parents and brother and others that have loved her and I look forward to day that we are reunited.

A Song for Coping and Hoping

Sometimes I find it easier to communicate with music - a friend said it is part of my vocabulary. In listening to tunes on the way home yesterday, this song struck me as particularly comforting so I thought I'd share the lyrics (I don't remember them all....). It's by Mr. Mister, entitled "The Border."

We, we must go on now
wherever people go, go on together
and love
and try to hold on now
too many of us have run, run out of the circle....

..... I need you near me
we must go on
our questions unanswered
I know what we're after is right here in our arms

I am standing here, my arms open wide
I keep waiting here, heart in my hands on the border
and every step we take gives us the strength to go on
and all the love we make gets us closer to home

I can see it all so clearly now
I can hear your voice in a song
and it burns down inside my soul
takes me down this winding road
we can find our way back home

we, we must go on now
wherever people go, go on together

I am standing here, my arms open wide
I keep waiting here, heart in my hands on the border
and every step we take gives us the strength to go on
and all the love we make gets us closer to home